The Psychology Behind Automatically Denying Praise with "No, Not Really"

"Today's presentation was really good." To a colleague's compliment, "No, it wasn't that good" automatically came out. In fact, you had spent days preparing for the presentation and thought you did well, yet you couldn't accept the praise as it was. Why do we instantly deny praise?

This situation repeats frequently. To words like "You look nice," "You did well," or "That's impressive," we almost reflexively respond with "No," "Not really," or "I was just lucky."

Cultural Modesty and Face Culture

In East Asian cultures, denying praise goes beyond individual psychology to become a cultural norm. Psychologists Hazel Markus and Shinobu Kitayama researched differences in self-concept between East and West.

In Eastern cultures, the interdependent self is emphasized. People define themselves within relationships with groups and value harmony and modesty. Saying "I am a great person" can be perceived as disrupting group harmony.

Particularly in Confucian cultures like Korea, China, and Japan, modesty is considered a virtue. Accepting praise as it is creates anxiety about being evaluated as "arrogant" or "presumptuous." The "No, not at all" response is a socially learned self-defense strategy.

Signal of Low Self-Worth

Beyond cultural factors, denying praise can be an expression of low self-esteem. Psychologist Roy Baumeister defined self-esteem as "overall evaluation and value judgment of oneself."

People with low self-esteem struggle to align others' positive evaluations with their internal self-image. When the belief "I am inadequate" is strong, praise feels inconsistent with reality. So they reject it with "No, I'm not that..."

This is also explained by self-consistency theory. People prefer information that matches their existing beliefs about themselves. For someone who views themselves negatively, positive praise creates cognitive dissonance, and they deny the praise to resolve it.

Impostor Syndrome and Underestimation

Impostor syndrome, named by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, is closely linked to denying praise. People with impostor syndrome don't recognize their achievements and attribute them to luck or timing.

When hearing "This project's success was thanks to you," they respond, "No, the team did well," or "The timing was just good." They underestimate their abilities and effort, attributing success to external factors.

Research shows impostor syndrome is common even among highly educated or successful people. Despite obvious achievements from an external view, they say they 'feel like a fraud.' They deny praise because they believe they don't deserve it.

Perfectionism and Self-Criticism

Perfectionists strongly tend to deny praise. Psychologist Thomas Greenspon defined perfectionism as "the tendency to pursue only perfection while being unable to tolerate mistakes or flaws."

Perfectionists set extremely high internal standards. Even when results look excellent to others, they think "there are still many lacking parts." When hearing praise, they first think "they didn't look properly" or "they didn't notice the low quality."

For these people, praise feels like an uncomfortable lie. The gap between their strict internal standards and others' praise is too large.

Avoiding Social Expectations and Pressure

Accepting praise creates pressure to maintain that level next time. According to psychology's expectancy theory, praise sets expectations for future performance.

When hearing "You're really good at this work," the burden arises to do well next time too. Denying with "No, not really" is a defensive strategy to lower that expectation preemptively. Drawing a line that 'I'm not originally someone who does this well' creates the belief that if they fail next time, they'll disappoint less.

Doubting Authenticity and Distrust

People who have experienced much insincere praise in the past, or witnessed praise used as a manipulation tool, distrust praise itself.

Suspicions automatically operate: "Are they praising me to ask for something?", "Isn't this lip service?" Psychology calls this defensive attribution. They doubt the sincerity of praise and reject it first to avoid disappointment.

The Boundary Between Modesty and Self-Deprecation

Denying praise from cultural modesty versus low self-esteem needs to be distinguished.

Healthy modesty is accepting praise while not being arrogant, like "Thank you. I'll do better next time." Self-deprecation, however, completely denies one's effort and value: "No, I'm terrible," or "I was just lucky."

Psychologist Kristin Neff suggests this balance can be achieved through self-compassion. It's the attitude of recognizing one's achievements while accepting imperfection.

Daily Observation Points

Observe your pattern of denying praise. Do you say "No" to all praise, or only on certain topics or in front of certain people? Understanding this pattern helps you know your psychology more deeply.

Practicing not immediately denying when receiving praise, but pausing briefly also helps. Simply saying "Thank you" and taking a breath can break the automatic denial response.

You also need to check the expressions you use when denying praise. If you use phrases that completely erase your effort like "Not really," "I was just lucky," or "It's thanks to others," this may not be healthy modesty but self-worth denial.

Accepting praise is not arrogance. Recognizing your effort and achievement is an expression of healthy self-esteem. When "No, not at all" comes out habitually, pause and think. Is this cultural courtesy, or am I denying myself? When you can fully accept praise, you finally take the first step toward properly recognizing your self-worth.

This article is reference content based on general psychological information, and interpretations may vary depending on individual circumstances.