Why Some Praise Feels Good While Other Praise Feels Uncomfortable – The Psychology of Praise

On the same day, you received praise from two people. Your boss said, "You're really smart," and a colleague said, "Your thorough review of this section was really helpful." Both were positive comments, yet somehow the former felt burdensome while the latter felt good. Why do identical forms of praise feel so different?

This situation repeats often. Some praise feels genuinely joyful, while other praise feels uncomfortable and awkward.

The Difference Created by Praise's Focus

Psychologist Carol Dweck's research showed that praise produces entirely different psychological effects depending on what it focuses on. Dweck distinguished between two types of praise: fixed trait praise and process praise.

Fixed trait praise targets innate abilities or characteristics, like "You're so smart" or "You're talented." Process praise, on the other hand, recognizes effort, strategies, and process, such as "You tried multiple approaches to solve this problem" or "Your thorough review prevented mistakes."

Interestingly, people who received fixed trait praise tended to avoid difficult tasks afterward. They feared that if they failed, they'd be evaluated as 'not smart.' Those who received process praise engaged more actively with challenging tasks. They believed the process could always be improved.

Does It Feel Genuine?

Another reason praise feels uncomfortable is the issue of authenticity. People sensitively detect whether praise is sincere or not. Psychology calls this authenticity detection.

Compare the praise "Today's presentation was really good" with "The data analysis you presented on page 3 was persuasive." The former can sound generic and formulaic, while the latter contains evidence of actually paying close attention to the content. The more specific the praise, the more genuine it feels; the vaguer the praise, the more it's received as a social gesture.

The Language of Control and Manipulation

Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan's Self-Determination Theory explains that the impact of praise on motivation varies depending on how it's used.

When praise is used as a tool of control, people feel uncomfortable. Praise containing the implicit message "Do this and you'll be praised" infringes on autonomy. For example, "You're being so good when you're quiet" sets the condition that 'being quiet makes you good.' In contrast, "The method you chose was effective" respects autonomy and is received positively.

The same applies in the workplace. Praise like "You're such an obedient employee" can feel like a tool reinforcing compliance. "Your opinion on this issue helped the project" is received as recognition of contribution.

Praise Embedded with Comparison

Discomfort also arises when praise contains comparison with others. Praise based on others as a standard, like "You're much better than the other kids" or "You're the best on our team," reinforces social comparison.

According to social comparison theory proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger, people compare themselves to others to evaluate their abilities. The problem is that comparison-based praise can provide temporary superiority but simultaneously brings the pressure to 'maintain first place' and the discomfort of 'seeming to put others down.'

In contrast, praise based on absolute standards is received more comfortably. "This report is logically well-structured" evaluates the action itself regardless of others.

Praise That Doesn't Match One's Identity

Discomfort also occurs when praise doesn't align with how one views their identity. Psychology explains this as self-concept discrepancy.

Someone who sees themselves as a 'creative person' feels awkward receiving praise like "You really follow rules well." The praise doesn't match the values or identity they consider important. Conversely, "Your idea was original" aligns with their self-concept and is naturally accepted.

Public Praise vs Private Praise

The context in which praise is delivered also matters. Even with the same content, praise heard in front of many people feels different from praise heard one-on-one.

Public praise reinforces social recognition but can simultaneously bring discomfort from being the center of attention and anxiety about others' reactions. Particularly for people who avoid self-disclosure or find being the focus burdensome, public praise becomes stressful instead.

In contrast, praise delivered specifically in a quiet space tends to be received more sincerely.

Daily Observation Points

Recording which praise made you feel good and which felt uncomfortable can be useful. You can discover patterns. Self-understanding emerges, like 'I feel good when specific actions are praised,' 'I feel burdened when abilities are praised,' or 'Praise with comparison feels awkward.'

You can also apply these principles when praising others. Expressing "The way you solved this problem was effective" instead of "You're smart," or "Your contribution in this area was significant" instead of "You're the best." Small changes, but the feeling the other person receives differs greatly.

Praise isn't simply positive words. It becomes an entirely different message depending on what you praise, how you praise, and in what context you praise. Praise that is genuine, specific, and respects autonomy increases motivation and strengthens relationships. In contrast, praise that is formulaic, vague, and controlling creates distance instead. The quality of praise is determined by the depth of sincerity and attention it contains.

This article is reference content based on general psychological information, and interpretations may vary depending on individual circumstances.