When the Desire to Be a Good Parent Becomes Toxic

"I want to give my child the very best." This is what many parents say when they visit counseling centers. Yet this sincere desire can paradoxically create situations that exhaust both parents and children. Growing research shows that the strong motivation to be a good parent can actually increase parenting stress, rigidify parent-child relationships, and hinder children's autonomy development.

The Myth of Perfect Parenting and Psychological Pressure

Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, introduced the concept of the "good enough mother" in 1953. He argued that "adequately good" parenting, rather than perfect parenting, is more beneficial for children's healthy development. Parents who pursue perfection try to eliminate all discomfort for their children in advance, but this actually deprives children of opportunities to develop resilience and problem-solving abilities.

In modern society, the pressure to be a good parent has intensified. Social media is flooded with seemingly perfect parenting scenes, and various parenting information sources convey messages like "if you don't do it this way, it will harm your child." This environment causes parents to internalize the "perfect parent myth" and triggers endless self-monitoring of their parenting methods.

Excessive Parental Involvement and Burnout

In psychology, "burnout" refers to a state of physical and emotional exhaustion caused by continuous stress. Parental burnout is a phenomenon that occurs when excessive efforts to be a good parent persist. In 2018, Professor Moïra Mikolajczak's research team at the Catholic University of Louvain in Belgium developed a parental burnout scale, explaining that this state goes beyond simple fatigue to include emotional distancing, decreased parenting efficacy, and a sense of disconnect from one's former self.

The stronger the desire to be a good parent, the more parents postpone their own needs and live child-centered lives. However, the absence of self-care depletes emotional resources and ultimately weakens the ability to respond warmly and sensitively to children. Paradoxically, the more parents sacrifice themselves to be good parents, the higher the risk of becoming less effective parents.

Overprotection and Children's Autonomy Development

Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, who proposed Self-Determination Theory, emphasized that three basic psychological needs—autonomy, competence, and relatedness—must be satisfied for human psychological health and growth. When the desire to be a good parent becomes excessive, parents tend to show overprotective parenting patterns that try to prevent children's failures or frustrations in advance.

For example, when children experience conflicts with friends, parents immediately intervene to solve problems, complete school assignments for them, or manage all their schedules. While this parenting style appears to protect children in the short term, in the long term it frustrates children's autonomy needs and hinders self-efficacy development. Multiple studies by the American Psychological Association (APA) report that children raised under helicopter parenting have higher anxiety levels, lower problem-solving abilities, and difficulties adapting after entering college.

Conditional Love and Emotional Burden

The desire to be a good parent can sometimes lead to "conditional positive regard." This concept, proposed by humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers, refers to a state where one feels loved and accepted only when certain conditions are met. When parents convey messages like "I'm proud only when you get good grades" or "you can be loved only when you obey," children end up performing the role parents want rather than being their authentic selves.

This hinders children's true self-development and can create a tendency to excessively depend on others' evaluations. The more parents expect perfect children, the more children fear mistakes or failures, which becomes a risk factor for anxiety and depression.

Transitioning to Good Enough Parenting

The desire to be a good parent itself is not the problem. The issue is the rigidity and self-criticism that arise in the process of pursuing "perfection." Winnicott's "good enough parent" is one who acknowledges mistakes, accepts their imperfect self, and gives children opportunities to experience imperfection as well.

When parents acknowledge their limitations and invest in self-care, more relaxed and warm parenting becomes possible. When parents can view children's small mistakes or difficulties as growth opportunities and have the space to step back and observe rather than intervene immediately, children develop the ability to solve problems on their own.

Observation Points for Daily Practice

It's important to check whether the desire to be a good parent is acting as excessive pressure. If you immediately become anxious about your child's small mistakes, feel impatient while comparing them to other children, or constantly blame yourself about your parenting methods, these may be warning signs.

Parenting is a process without perfect answers. Children grow healthily not in a perfect environment, but in one that is sufficiently safe and loving. Remember that you as a parent are also worthy of care, and sometimes you need the courage to stop at a "good enough" level. That courage is ultimately the starting point for making both parents and children healthy.