The Psychology of People Who Can't Say "I'm Sorry" - The Real Reasons Why Apologizing Is Difficult

There are people who, even after making an obvious mistake at work, respond with excuses like "That's just how the situation was" or "You had some fault in it too" instead of simply saying "I was wrong." The same pattern appears in romantic relationships. Despite clearly hurting someone, they react with "What did I do wrong?" or become defensive, pointing out the other person's faults rather than apologizing.

An apology is not simply uttering the words "I'm sorry." It is a psychological declaration that one acknowledges their wrongdoing, respects the other person's feelings, and takes responsibility for repairing the relationship. Because of this, apologizing requires a far more complex psychological process than we might think. So why do some people find it particularly difficult to apologize?

Ego Defense Mechanisms: Unconscious Efforts to Protect Self-Esteem

Psychology explains apology-avoidant behavior as a type of ego defense mechanism. This concept, proposed by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, refers to psychological strategies that humans unconsciously employ to protect the ego from uncomfortable emotions such as anxiety or guilt.

Rationalization is particularly the most common defense mechanism in apology avoidance. It involves creating plausible reasons for one's wrongful actions to reduce guilt. Typical excuses include "I was under a lot of stress, so I couldn't help it" or "The other person upset me first." Another defense mechanism, projection, is also observed—refusing to acknowledge one's own fault and instead blaming the other person for having problems.

While these defense mechanisms temporarily protect self-esteem, they ultimately damage relationships and block opportunities for self-reflection in the long run.

Fragile Self-Esteem and the Fear of Shame

Paradoxically, those who struggle most with apologizing often don't have excessively high self-esteem but rather possess unstable self-esteem. According to research by social psychologist Roy Baumeister, people with fragile self-esteem perceive admitting their mistakes as a threat to their entire sense of self.

An apology is an admission that "I did something wrong," which can be interpreted as the message "I am an imperfect person." For someone with unstable self-esteem, such an admission triggers unbearable shame. Shame differs from guilt. While guilt is an emotion about a specific action—"I did something bad"—shame is a negative evaluation of the entire self: "I am a bad person."

Dr. Brené Brown's research on shame clearly demonstrates this. People vulnerable to shame perceive apology situations as moments when their worth is being evaluated, resulting in extremely defensive attitudes. Rather than repairing relationships through apology, they avoid apologizing altogether to prevent the collapse of their ego.

Cognitive Dissonance: The Clash Between Self-Image and Actual Behavior

Cognitive Dissonance Theory, proposed by Leon Festinger, is another important framework for explaining apology avoidance psychology. Cognitive dissonance refers to the psychological discomfort felt when there is a contradiction between one's beliefs or attitudes and actual behavior.

For example, if someone who holds the self-image of being "a considerate person" says something hurtful to others, this creates strong cognitive dissonance. At this point, people have two choices: acknowledge that their behavior was wrong and apologize, or justify their behavior to resolve the cognitive dissonance.

Those who choose the latter reinterpret their actions with logic such as "The other person overreacted" or "Anyone could make that kind of mistake." This is a psychological strategy to maintain their self-image, but it ultimately blocks genuine apology.

Perfectionism and All-or-Nothing Thinking

People with strong perfectionist tendencies also struggle with apologizing. They often possess all-or-nothing thinking, where there is no middle ground between "perfection" and "failure." Because they believe that a single mistake or wrongdoing collapses their entire ability and worth, admitting fault itself feels like being branded a "failure."

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) views this thinking pattern as a type of cognitive distortion. Perfectionists interpret apologies as public declarations of their incompetence, which triggers extreme anxiety. Consequently, they tend to justify their behavior or minimize the problem itself rather than apologizing.

Attachment Styles and Apology Ability Correlation

From the perspective of Attachment Theory, attachment patterns formed in childhood also affect apology ability in adulthood. People with insecure attachment, particularly avoidant attachment, feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy with others and extremely avoid revealing their vulnerability.

An apology is essentially an act of acknowledging one's imperfection and dependence on the other person. For those with avoidant attachment, this feels threatening to their psychological safety. In contrast, people who have formed secure attachment experientially know that admitting their mistakes strengthens rather than damages relationships, and thus apologize relatively naturally.

Cultural Context: Face Culture and Authoritarianism

Apology ability must be understood not only from individual psychological factors but also within cultural context. Particularly in East Asian cultures including Korea, the concept of "face" significantly influences apology behavior. According to Geert Hofstede's cultural dimensions theory, in societies with high power distance, apologies from superiors in hierarchical relationships may be viewed as damage to authority.

The same applies to parent-child relationships. People who experienced authoritarian parenting styles internalize the belief that "if adults apologize to children, authority collapses," and even as adults tend to perceive apology as an issue of power relations.

Psychological Understanding for Developing Apology Ability

Difficulty with apologizing is not simply due to having a bad personality or lacking manners. Behind it, complex psychological mechanisms are at work, including fragile self-esteem, fear of shame, cognitive dissonance, perfectionist thinking, and insecure attachment.

What's important is understanding that apology is not the collapse of the self but a process of maturation. Psychologist Harriet Lerner emphasizes that "genuine apology is not an act that weakens relationships but one that restores trust and enhances emotional intimacy." The courage to acknowledge one's imperfection is an expression of true self-esteem and a core competency for maintaining healthy relationships.

If you or someone around you particularly struggles with apologizing, exploring what psychological fears lie beneath could be the first step. Apology is not a sign of weakness but evidence of psychological maturity that preserves relationships and enables self-reflection.