The Psychology Behind Parents Who Can't Praise

Your child comes home with a good test score. But what comes out of your mouth is, "You did well this time. You need to do better next time." Even when you try to praise, you find yourself setting the next goal. Why is it so difficult for us to praise our children?

This situation that many parents experience is not simply a matter of personality or habit.

The Anxiety Behind Praise

Psychology explains why parents hesitate to praise through attachment theory and intergenerational transmission patterns. Parents who had few experiences of being praised as children never had the opportunity to learn how to praise. Praise is also a skill. It's difficult to naturally use a language you've never learned.

But there's a deeper reason. Developmental psychologist Carol Dweck's research on growth mindset reveals the double-edged nature of praise. Parents unconsciously know that excessive praise can make children fragile. The worry that saying "you're smart" might raise a child who fears failure. So instead of praise, they set higher standards.

There's another surprisingly common psychological pattern. The desire for vicarious satisfaction—trying to achieve through one's child what one couldn't accomplish. There's a fear that if they acknowledge the child's current achievement, the child might stop there. So they always talk about "what's next."

The Trap of Perfectionism and Comparison

Korea's competitive educational culture also makes praise difficult. The thought that "nothing matters unless you're first." When a child comes in second, there's that moment when you ask, "Who was first?" In a society obsessed with relative position rather than absolute growth, the standards for praise keep rising.

There's a frequently repeated scene. A child brings home a drawing to show you. The parent looks at the picture and points out, "This part here looks a bit strange, doesn't it?" It's a good intention. The desire for improvement. But what the child hears is the message "you're still not good enough."

The Inheritance of Praise Inability

From a psychoanalytic perspective, a parent's inability to praise is related to their own inner child. Parents who carry wounds from not being acknowledged in childhood struggle with praising others at all. Praise is an act of accepting someone as they are, which is difficult for someone who hasn't even accepted themselves.

What's interesting is that many parents who can't praise perceive themselves as "strict but loving parents." The love is definitely there. But the way that love is expressed comes in the form of worry, criticism, and preparation rather than praise.

Why Praise Is Necessary

John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, emphasized the importance of secure attachment in a child's emotional development. Praise is not simply a reward but an emotional mirror that conveys the message "you are a valuable being." Without this mirror, children try to confirm their worth only through external achievements.

This is why many people remain excessively dependent on others' approval even as adults. They failed to form the sense of self-worth that should have been internalized during childhood.

Points to Observe

If you've discovered that you struggle to praise, it can help to ask yourself the following. In what situations do I say something other than praise? Am I perhaps looking at my own anxiety first rather than my child's achievement? The fear that praise will make my child lazy—does that fear come from actual experience or is it a repetition of things I've heard?

It's not praise that ruins children, but the wrong kind of praise. Research has already shown that "you worked through this part with persistence, that's impressive" helps a child's growth more than "you're a genius."

Parents aren't perfect either. Not being able to praise doesn't make you a bad parent. However, if you can recognize that pattern and gradually change it, your relationship with your child will certainly be different. Not letting one small effort your child showed today just pass by. You can start from there.

This article is reference content based on general psychological information, and interpretations may vary depending on individual circumstances.