The Danger of Saying "You're Good at Everything" – Side Effects of Indiscriminate Praise

A child is building blocks. A parent passes by and looks. "Good job!" The child draws a picture. "Wow, you drew that well!" The child is doing homework. "You're good at everything!" The child finishes dinner. "You eat so well!" Praise continues all day long. The parent wants to build the child's self-esteem. But a few months later, the child has changed. They refuse to try new things, and when something gets even slightly difficult, they say "I can't do it."

Praise is a good thing. But 'indiscriminate praise' is different. Praise given without specificity, regardless of effort, equally for all behaviors can actually hinder a child's development. Many people think the more praise, the better, but psychological research shows the opposite result.

What is Indiscriminate Praise?

Indiscriminate praise refers to praise given regardless of the child's actual effort, achievement, or quality of behavior. Words like "good job," "amazing," "the best" are automatically repeated no matter what the child does. The same praise pours out whether they wake up in the morning, eat a meal, play, or study.

Psychologist Eddie Brummelman studied the difference between indiscriminate and specific praise. According to his research, children who receive indiscriminate praise gradually fail to receive accurate feedback about their behavior, and consequently their self-evaluation abilities don't develop.

Specific praise focuses on particular behaviors or efforts, like "It was good that you tried a different approach here" or "Your concentration until the end was impressive." In contrast, indiscriminate praise is vague and general, like "You're good at everything" or "You're a genius."

Praise Inflation

If economics has inflation, praise has inflation too. When praise is given too often and too easily, its value drops. The child no longer feels praise is special.

Developmental psychologist Carol Dweck called this the 'praise paradox.' Parents constantly praise to boost the child's confidence, but the child either becomes numb to praise or anxious when praise is absent. This is because praise replaces intrinsic motivation with extrinsic reward.

A seven-year-old solves a puzzle. At first, they do it because the puzzle itself is fun. But after receiving "Good job!" every time, the child focuses on the praise rather than the puzzle. Without praise, they lose interest saying "Mom isn't watching." The enjoyment of the activity becomes secondary to gaining others' approval.

Unable to Distinguish Real from Fake

Children who receive indiscriminate praise struggle to distinguish what they truly did well from what they didn't. When everything receives "good job," children lose the standard for assessing their actual abilities.

According to psychologist Carol Ames' Achievement Goal Theory, children develop either 'mastery goals' or 'performance goals.' Children with mastery goals care about 'actually improving,' while those with performance goals care about 'looking good to others.'

Indiscriminate praise reinforces performance goals. The child focuses on maintaining a praise-worthy appearance rather than actually learning or improving something. There's a frequently repeated scenario: children only choose easy tasks. They only do things they're certain "I can do this." Why? Because they're afraid that if they try something difficult and fail, they won't receive praise.

Lower Failure Tolerance

Children who receive indiscriminate praise have fewer opportunities to experience failure. Since everything is wrapped in "good job," they're not prepared to face actual failure or inadequacy.

Psychologist Martin Seligman's learned helplessness research relates to this. Children who haven't experienced failure don't learn how to cope with it. When they first receive feedback like "This still needs work" or "You need to try again," the child becomes greatly frustrated.

There's a surprisingly common situation. A child who only heard "good job" at kindergarten enters elementary school. For the first time, a teacher says "Try this again." The child is shocked. "I always heard I did well, why are they telling me to redo it now?" The child cries, gets angry, or gives up trying altogether.

Indiscriminate praise makes failure feel like 'my value declining' rather than 'part of learning.'

Excessive Praise and Narcissism

Indiscriminate praise can cultivate narcissism rather than healthy self-esteem. Joint research by Brad Bushman and Eddie Brummelman demonstrates this empirically.

The research team conducted a 6-month longitudinal study of children aged 7 to 11. The more frequently parents gave excessive praise like "You're more special than other children" or "You deserve more than others," the higher the child's narcissism scores became. However, self-esteem scores didn't change.

Narcissism and self-esteem are different. Self-esteem is stably recognizing one's worth, while narcissism is believing oneself superior to others. Children with high narcissism are hypersensitive to criticism, envious of others' success, and lacking in empathy.

Children who repeatedly hear "You're good at everything" believe 'I'm special,' but crumble when facing actually difficult situations. And they develop a tendency to blame others rather than themselves for that failure.

Praise Addiction

Indiscriminate praise creates 'praise addiction.' The child won't act without praise. Praise functions as external reward, weakening the child's intrinsic motivation.

Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan's Self-Determination Theory explains this. Humans have three basic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Indiscriminate praise undermines 'autonomy.'

A child draws a picture. Initially, drawing itself is enjoyable. But after repeatedly receiving "You drew that well!" the child begins drawing 'to receive praise.' Without praise, they stop drawing saying "It's not fun if mom doesn't watch."

This continues into adolescence and adulthood. People addicted to praise feel they can't do anything without others' recognition. They obsess over SNS likes, are swayed by every word from their boss, and prioritize others' evaluations over self-satisfaction.

The Beginning of Comparison and Competition

Children who receive indiscriminate praise believe "I'm good at everything." But when they go to school, they face reality. Other children are also good. Some are better than them. At this point, the child becomes confused.

"My parents said I was the best, why is that friend better than me?" The child shows one of two reactions. First, they feel deceived and distrust their parents. Second, they try to put down other children to maintain their superiority.

Psychologist Albert Bandura's Social Cognitive Theory explains that children evaluate their abilities through 'social comparison.' Children who received indiscriminate praise lack accurate self-evaluation abilities, so they become overly dependent on comparison with others.

Lack of Authenticity

Children are smarter than we think. They sense whether indiscriminate praise is genuine. When they hear "good job" without doing anything, children get confused. "What did I do well?"

According to research by psychologist Susan Harter, children can judge the authenticity of praise from age 6. When they receive exaggerated or baseless praise, children actually become anxious. They think "Is mom lying?" or "Is she trying to deceive me?"

Inauthentic praise undermines trust. The child stops believing the parent's words, and doubts even sincere praise. "It's probably another lie anyway."

Principles of Proper Praise

So how should we praise? To avoid indiscriminate praise and give effective praise, several principles are needed.

First, be specific. Instead of "good job," say "The way you solved this here was good." Tell the child exactly what they did well.

Second, praise the process. Recognize effort, strategy, and perseverance rather than results. Instead of "You got 100 points!" say "You didn't give up and solved even the difficult problems until the end."

Third, be sincere. Only praise when there's something truly impressive or praiseworthy. It's okay not to praise every moment. Silence is sometimes necessary.

Fourth, don't compare. "You're better than your sibling" or "You did better than other kids" isn't good. Compare the child to their previous self. "You've improved a lot since last week."

Fifth, emphasize growth potential. Instead of "You're a genius," say "If you keep practicing, you'll get even better." Give the message that ability isn't fixed but can develop.

Moments That Don't Need Praise

Not every moment needs praise. Sometimes just being present together without praise is enough.

A child is building blocks. The parent sits beside them and watches. They don't say "good job." They just observe with interest. When the blocks fall, the child rebuilds. The parent doesn't say "It's okay, try again." They just wait. The child tries again on their own.

Such moments can be more important for the child. They learn that the activity itself has value even without praise, that it's okay to fail, and that they can solve things themselves.

Psychologist Donald Winnicott proposed the concept of 'good enough mother.' There's no need to respond perfectly. Sometimes letting the child solve things on their own supports healthier development.

What's More Important Than Praise

What's more important than praise is 'recognition.' Praise is evaluation, but recognition is acceptance. "You really like this" or "You look serious doing this" conveys a deeper message than "good job."

Children don't want to be evaluated—they want to be understood. They hope someone will see "This is who I am." Praise focuses on the child's behavior, but recognition focuses on the child's very existence.

Asking "How was your day?" Saying "You look happy doing this." Empathizing with "That must have been hard." These things build healthier self-esteem than indiscriminate praise.

In Closing

"You're good at everything" comes from love. Parents want to encourage their child and give them confidence. But indiscriminate praise produces the opposite result. The child doesn't know their actual abilities, fears failure, and becomes dependent on others' evaluations.

Praise is about quality, not quantity. Praise given at the right moment, specifically, and sincerely gives the child strength. Above all, the child must learn that they're okay even in moments without praise, that they don't live to receive praise but to live for themselves.

Sometimes not praising is the best praise. Watching the child satisfy themselves, evaluate themselves, and grow on their own. That's a greater gift than indiscriminate praise.

This article is reference content based on general psychological information, and interpretations may vary depending on individual circumstances.