Boys vs Girls - Do They Receive Praise Differently?

On the same day, in the same kindergarten, two children draw pictures. A teacher says to the girl, "Wow, you colored it so beautifully!" To the boy, "Wow, you drew that dinosaur so cool! It looks really strong!" Both children drew pictures, but the content of praise differs. The girl heard about 'beauty,' the boy heard about 'strength.' What happens when these small differences accumulate?

Many people wonder: Do boys and girls receive praise differently? The answer is both 'yes' and 'no.' Rather than biological differences, it's the socialization process—how we praise—that shapes how children receive praise. Children who grow up receiving different praise according to gender eventually evaluate their self-worth in different ways.

Patterns of Praise by Gender

Research by psychologist Beverly Fagot reveals a surprising fact. Observing 18-month-old children, parents and teachers were already giving different types of feedback to girls and boys. Girls are praised when playing quietly, but boys playing quietly go unnoticed. Conversely, when boys move actively, they're praised as "energetic," but girls doing the same are told they're "restless."

According to analysis by linguists Penelope Eckert and Sally McConnell-Ginet, praise given to girls mainly focuses on 'appearance,' 'obedience,' 'kindness,' and 'quietness.' Words like "pretty," "good," "well-behaved," "gentle" are repeated. Meanwhile, boys receive more praise about 'ability,' 'strength,' 'courage,' and 'independence.' They hear "strong," "smart," "good job," "powerful."

There's a frequently repeated scenario. A five-year-old girl tries to jump from a high place. An adult says, "Dangerous! Girls shouldn't do that." When a boy the same age tries the same thing? "Be careful! But you're brave."

Self-Concept Created by Praise

Developmental psychologist Susan Harter, studying children's self-concept formation, explains that between ages 5 and 7, children learn "who I am" through others' feedback. Girls learn "I am pretty and good," while boys learn "I am strong and smart."

This self-concept influences behavior. Psychologist Carol Dweck's research team experimented with elementary students. They gave difficult math problems and observed children's responses. Interestingly, girls tended to give up quickly saying "I'm not good at math" when problems got harder. Boys, however, tried longer.

Why? From childhood, girls hear praise like 'good and pretty' frequently, while receiving relatively less praise about 'ability.' Boys grow up frequently hearing 'good job' and 'smart.' Girls tend to quickly conclude "I'm not the type who can do this" when facing difficult tasks, while boys tend to think "I'll succeed if I try harder."

Socialization Theory Perspective

Socialization Theory views gender-based praise differences as reflecting social expectations. Society expects 'caregiving,' 'beauty,' and 'relationship orientation' from women, and 'achievement,' 'independence,' and 'competition' from men. Parents and teachers unconsciously convey these expectations through language.

According to psychologist Sandra Bem's Gender Schema Theory, children recognize their gender from ages 2-3 and learn corresponding behaviors. Receiving messages like "Girls should be like this" and "Boys shouldn't do that," children internalize gender 'frameworks.'

Praise reinforces these frameworks. When girls play with dolls, they're praised "just like a mom" or "taking good care." When boys build Lego, they hear "like an engineer" or "you're smart." Would we praise equally if girls built Lego and boys played with dolls? Surprisingly, many adults hesitate.

Difference Between Ability Praise and Appearance Praise

Professor Renee Engeln's research tracked the impact of appearance praise on girls. Women who received much appearance-focused praise in childhood tended to evaluate their self-worth by appearance even as adults. Meanwhile, boys receive less appearance praise and more ability-focused praise, coming to evaluate self-worth through 'achievement.'

A 10-year-old girl completes a science project. Grandmother says, "My granddaughter is so pretty!" A boy the same age finishes the same project. "My grandson is so smart!" Both did the same thing, but received different feedback. The girl learns 'I am a pretty person,' the boy learns 'I am a smart person.'

This pattern affects academic achievement. According to psychologist Jacquelynne Eccles' research, girls are more likely than boys to think "I have no talent in this field" regarding math and science. Regardless of actual grades, they underestimate their abilities. Boys, even with the same grades, tend to believe "I can do it."

Differences in How Praise is Received

Interestingly, boys and girls differ in 'how they receive' praise. Psychologist Carol Gilligan explains that women develop relational values, while men develop independent values.

When receiving praise, girls tend to interpret it as "They like me" or "Our relationship is good." Boys interpret it as "I did well" or "My ability was recognized." The same praise is interpreted with different meanings.

In the classroom, a teacher says "Good job." A girl thinks 'The teacher must like me,' while a boy thinks 'I must have solved this problem well.' For girls, praise is a 'relationship signal'; for boys, it's 'evidence of ability.'

Different Responses to Criticism

Responses to criticism also differ. According to psychologist Karen Dion's research, girls tend to receive criticism as 'negation of their entire self.' Hearing feedback like "This part is wrong," they interpret it as "I'm no good."

Boys, however, receive criticism as 'correction of specific behavior.' Hearing "Try this again," they think "This method doesn't work. Should I try a different approach?" Girls tend to internalize criticism, while boys externalize it.

Where does this difference come from? It's because the content of feedback received from childhood differs. Girls receive much praise about 'their very existence' like "good child" or "pretty child." So they also receive criticism as about their 'entire existence.' Boys receive praise about 'behavior' like "you did this well" or "you accomplished that." So they also receive criticism as about 'specific behavior.'

Perfectionism and Gender

Research by Dr. Brené Brown shows women have higher perfectionist tendencies than men. Girls grow up receiving messages that they "must be good," "must be pretty," "can't make mistakes." Praise is given 'when perfect,' and mistakes feel 'unacceptable.'

Boys, however, receive more lenient feedback about mistakes like "boys are just like that," "energetic, that's all," "mischievous but cute." When a girl falls, she's told "You should be careful!" but when a boy falls, he's comforted "It's okay, boys can be like that."

This difference also affects adult anxiety and depression. Women's depression prevalence being twice that of men is related to biological factors, but research suggests it's also connected to perfectionism internalized from childhood.

Leadership and Praise Relationship

Research by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith analyzed gender differences in the workplace. Female leaders, when receiving praise, tend to say "I was lucky" or "It's thanks to the team." Male leaders say "Because I worked hard" or "The strategy was good."

Why this difference? Girls are praised for 'humility' from young age. They hear "It's good you don't show off" or "You're pretty because you're humble." They fear being evaluated as "arrogant" if they confidently acknowledge their achievements. Boys are praised "Your confidence is good" or "You're confident," and displaying ability is positively evaluated.

Recent Changes

Fortunately, recent research shows change. Younger generation parents are interested in gender-neutral parenting, praising girls as "smart" and "brave," and boys as "kind" and "thoughtful."

Psychologist Christia Spears Brown's 2017 research found that children receiving gender-neutral praise showed interest in a wider range of activities and were less bound by gender stereotypes. They naturally learn that girls can build robots and boys can enjoy cooking.

Direction for Proper Praise

So how can we give healthy praise regardless of gender?

First, praise ability over appearance. Tell girls "You solved the problem well" or "It's great you tried something new." Tell boys "It was good that you considered your friend" or "You chose beautiful colors."

Second, praise the process. Recognize effort, strategy, and perseverance over results. Emphasize gender-neutral values like "You practiced hard" or "It was good that you tried a different method."

Third, praise diverse areas. Don't always praise girls only for 'goodness'—also recognize courage, creativity, and problem-solving abilities. Don't always praise boys only for 'strength'—also praise empathy, consideration, and expressiveness.

Fourth, break stereotypes. Say "You're brave" instead of "You're brave for a girl." Say "You cook well" instead of "Boys cooking well is unusual." Simply not mentioning gender can weaken stereotypes.

Role of Parents and Teachers

The American Psychological Association's 2018 guidelines recommend parents and teachers: First, recognize unconscious bias. "Am I praising girls' appearance more often?" Second, consciously create balance. Praise girls' abilities and boys' emotional expression.

There was an experiment with teachers. They recorded and analyzed which children they called on more often during class and what kinds of feedback they gave. Many teachers were surprised. They thought they were fair, but actually called on boys more often and gave girls more comments about appearance or behavior.

Without realizing it, we send different messages according to gender. Recognizing this is the first step toward change.

In Closing

Do boys and girls receive praise differently? Rather than biologically innate differences, how we praise has greater impact. Children who grow up receiving different praise according to gender come to evaluate their worth by different standards.

Girls try to become 'pretty and good' people, boys try to become 'strong and smart' people. But all children can be pretty, good, strong, and smart. When we see and praise the child themselves rather than their gender, children can experience a broader world.

Praise sends children the message 'this is who you should be.' Rather than confining them to gender frameworks, praise that recognizes each child's unique strengths and potential. That's the way to help children grow into their authentic selves.

This article is reference content based on general psychological information, and interpretations may vary depending on individual circumstances.